“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[eulogy]
line?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Fidel Castro was alive?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
somebody come look at this
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’