No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏