Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You Might Also Like
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I liked Meatloaf before he got soft and changed his name to Adele.
So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.