@DominicStraw

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

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@brittwastaken

My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.

@julie2288

I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

@KeetPotato

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

@julietactually

Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho