“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

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My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple’s Facebook account.


I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.


BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop


Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.


You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.


I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?


playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”


Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho