@DominicStraw

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

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@daemonic3

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@batkaren

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@aRealLiveGhost

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@carlyken

So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.