“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL