@amazymay72x

no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)

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@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@Skoog

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

@bourgeoisalien

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

@DanMentos

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@AnkCoupleTO

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?