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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Spa day..😅
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
TEETH IS INNOCENT
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this