Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.