@ShellHasDragons

No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

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@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

@bobvulfov

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is

@cranny_boy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.