If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Actually cracking up @ this
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me buying fruit and veg
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
WTF
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
😏😏😏
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.