No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Wake me when AI does housework
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both