Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me when my alarm goes off
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume