@AlanHungover

No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.

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@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

@Lisabug74

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

@PopeAwesomeXIII

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@walruslifestyle

you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried

@ShortSleeveSuit

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

@askceil

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

@PetrickSara

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”