No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.