The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Him: Hi, my names Marc with a ‘C’
ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?
Witness: that looks nothing like him
Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
My diet is similar to a 9 year old who just found $20.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene