@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

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@Storminika

The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@upsidedowntrash

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

@ObscureGent

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

@eedrk

ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
ME: no

@sonictyrant

Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@JoeRegular4

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene