I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
no, dont go there
dont touch that
no, leave it alone
keep your hands off!
a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.