No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

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I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???


teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example


My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates


no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)


how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch


I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.


Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…


It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.


The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.


Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.