@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

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@carlyken

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

@Impetermoran

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

@Reverend_Banjo

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

@CornOnTheGoblin

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?