No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts