You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?