No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*