No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.