my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.