No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler