@TheDairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

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@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

?
me: it needs a belt right?

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*