No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)