@moshekasher

No, he would not have.

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@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@SkinnerSteven

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

@ehdannyboy

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@BlindChow

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@LoveNLunchmeat

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

@antheanton

What 2020 has taught me so far :

This year has 5380361 days
Spaghetti is even more delicious fried
Having a pet tiger is more efficient than divorce
People that are staying fit and cleaning their houses are not my people
Don’t eat bats 🦇

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?