No, he would not have.
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
i love modern commerce
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’d … I’d rather not.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.