I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
What 2020 has taught me so far :
This year has 5380361 days
Spaghetti is even more delicious fried
Having a pet tiger is more efficient than divorce
People that are staying fit and cleaning their houses are not my people
Don’t eat bats 🦇
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?