No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.