@Donna_McCoy

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

@SaraBWarf

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

@StevieKnip

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

@MarieLoerzel

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

@Jawwwwwsh

Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”

@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@ElleOhHell

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

@IndecisiveJones

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*