My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*