No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.