No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?