@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

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@iamspacegirl

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@sara_ashlynn

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@meaculpau27

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@VerbsRProudest

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !