No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.


I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.


As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !