@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

You Might Also Like

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@IGotsSmarts

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!

@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh

@Howiesbookclub

“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

@Marcmywords2

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before