No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

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[ 3 AM ]

Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded

Me: Do you have snacks in your car?

Friend: No

Me: *Hangs up


*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?


“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.


4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true


When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.


*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*


co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”


10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher