[ 3 AM ]
Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded
Me: Do you have snacks in your car?
Me: *Hangs up
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You Might Also Like
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher