No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
it is time once again
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer