I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before