No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV