No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?