No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
(Electricians.)
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Livid.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.