No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

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The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”


You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic


I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.


Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.


Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us


After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.


I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.


Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.


Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost