No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion