@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

You Might Also Like

@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

@TheAlexNevil

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

@CrockettForReal

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

@karanbirtinna

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

@FlyJ_

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost