No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The 6 types of sex
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.