No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
You Might Also Like
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Worth remembering.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Lmbo
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Tremendous stuff
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
happy friday
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.