“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Don’t forget to tip your server
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target