No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.


lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am


– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton


Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*


INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think


Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery


[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses