Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
lancelot: we have to work together arthur
lancelot: yes I am
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses