No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat