No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

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Toddler: “I always feel safe with you.”

Me, proud daddy: *turns to see she’s talking to a stuffed bunny, a fake flower, and a toy star*


a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy


Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.


I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.


The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.


*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*


my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”