@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

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@EndhooS

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@Drivelodeon

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@drunk

Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*

@ComeHome4Dinner

*pulls shirt back down*

I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.

@Maxine12339

Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven’t bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML