Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
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mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*
Me: *drinks alcohol*
*pulls shirt back down*
I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven’t bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML