going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.