So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If it screams, it’s not food yet
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6