@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

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@Marlebean

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

@Super70sSports

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

@zakagan

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

@brandynwiththey

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

@thesulk

I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

@NicestHippo

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit