In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…