No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.


Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*


My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.


DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.


waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot


me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked


im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…