@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

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@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

@withanewname

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@turtledumplin

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.

@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

@JaneBadall

My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.

@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6