[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
opening twitter today
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.