@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

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@philyuck

“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”

“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”

“That’s right.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”344496860775460864″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”122″;s:5:”tweet”;s:106:”I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Tmoney68

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@perlmutations

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]