no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Before & after 😅
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go