friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again