*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You Might Also Like
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Wait a second…
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.