@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

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@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@LeonEarlgrey

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@Arrogant_Twat

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

@HatfieldAnne

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

@Pirate_nurse

I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@ravenswng_

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am