I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am