No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God