Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.