No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.