Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™
I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.