@IamEnidColeslaw

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

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@MommaUnfiltered

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

@Kyle_Lippert

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@Inconsteveable

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

@Marlebean

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair