I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*
Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair