No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

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TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country


“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”


Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”


Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey


Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.


I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.


Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!


[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*