Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
Every headline on the internet
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*