No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.