No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.