So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week