@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

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@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@nbadag

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@LoveNLunchmeat

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

@Danzig303

First day as a zookeeper

Child: What’s the difference between an alligator and crocodile

Me: Size and jaw shape

Kid: What’s the difference between a turtle and a tortoise

Me: A tortoise is not a skilled martial artist. Next.

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@SamuelHLowe

– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?

@ObscureGent

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.