No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.