No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe