No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
You Might Also Like
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills