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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Your honor these allegations are
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*