“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
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Of course I don鈥檛 have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I鈥檓 not an amateur
what鈥檚 a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you鈥檒l silkscreen on a body pillow?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it鈥檚 partly my fault he didn鈥檛 do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn鈥檛 get me one better watch out
Daughter: Daddy, I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I鈥檒l stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I鈥檝e killed the lawn?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 馃槶
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I鈥檝e always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates鈥檚 funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I鈥檓 hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”