@AwwwwCats

..no just.. no

You Might Also Like

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.

@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

@Rollinintheseat

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@TheAlexNevil

Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.

@continentlbkfst

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?