If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.
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[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.