OKAY DAD
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel